I Am Running for President

As you have probably heard by now I have decided to seek the Republican nomination for president in next year’s election. Hearing this, several people have remarked, “Oh, John, honestly. How quixotic!” though not aloud, as quixotic is one of those words that everyone’s read but no one has actually ever heard spoken aloud. Pedantic showoff as I am, I would probably go with key-HO-tic, whereas many would go for the more meat-‘n’-potatoes quicks-OT-ic. But can we please get back to the theme at hand? I am well aware that I lack Jeb Bush’s recognizability, Marco Rubio’s boyish good looks, Carly Fiorina's stature in the business community, both Gov. Huckabee’s cute surname, which sounds as though dreamed up by the same firm responsible for Applebee’s, and his personal relationship with God, and the still-undeclared Gov. Palin’s natural rapport with ordinary, very stupid Americans, but nonetheless feel that my nudging all my opponents slightly to the left in itself justifies my candidacy.

My first act as president will be to have Henry Kissinger, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and Ted Nugent arrested and sent in chains to Guantanamo. My second or third will be to repeal the War on Drugs. My third or fourth will be to decriminalize all drugs, and to treat addicts as we treat those with irritable bowel syndrome or psoriasis — as victims of a health problem. I believe that we will save billions of dollars that we can use repairing our roads and educating our young if we stop fighting wars in the Middle East, and instead build schools and hospitals, on a non-quid pro quo basis. Let’s see how many suicide bombers the jihadists are able to recruit among young Arabs who have been educated at schools we built, and whose parents are being treated for irritable bowel syndrome, psoriasis, and what-have-you at American-built hospitals.

I do not advocate hanging my fellow politicians who simultaneously describe themselves as avid Christians and advocate making life ever harder for the weak and ill and disadvantaged. That’s a vicious canard promulgated — yes, my friends, promulgated! — by one of my opponents, or a cabal of my opponents. I favor nothing more drastic than incarceration for those persons, for whom we will make room in our many, many fine penitentiaries by freeing all those busted for possession of marijuana, which I will smoke proudly in the Oval Office with my proposed appointee for Secretary of State Willie Nelson.

I will not pardon a turkey on the day before Thanksgiving. It is my view that turkeys are guilty only of being monstrously unattractive, though probably not to each other. (Is it not entirely feasible that, in a turkey’s eyes, Scarlet Johanssen, to name but a few, is monstrously unattractive?) I will ask Congress to declare a national Desertion Day, on which any serviceperson who wants to can exchange his sword for a ploughshare, whatever that is, and his uniform for a voucher redeemable at American Apparel. I will propose legislation requiring the CEOs of huge corporations either to provide room and board to one homeless person for every 2500 square feet in their own principal residences, or to compel their corporations to pay tax at the same rate you and I do.

I believe that gay Americans should be allowed to marry each other, and that any divorced person who asserts that marriage equality threatens the sanctity of marriage should be deported. Having myself had a first marriage that started out really nice but then turned to shit, I know first hand that there’s nothing inherently sanctimonious about marriage, and of course am here misusing the word for comic effect. I will cause Guy Fieri to be disappeared, never again to bray, "That's off the hook!" on my formerly beloved Food Network. 

I believe that we should welcome Mexican and Central American refugees/immigrants with open arms, as they are generally very hard workers. I’m not so sure it wouldn’t be a very good idea to deport 10 conservative Republicans for every such person we allow to cross our southern border, as it would prevent overcrowding, and get rid of lots of conservative Republicans. Not, of course, that I’m unaware that I (desperately!) need the support of Republicans of all shapes and sizes.

I will not end speeches by saying, "God bless the United States of America," because that's gaseous rhetoric at its worst. If the sanctimonious riot in the streets because of this, I might be talked into "God bless, every one," as in A Christmas Carol, though I believe Christmas to be nobody's birthday, and a brazen retailing ploy, and damned annoying, except on those rare occasions when someone thinks to give me a wonderful present.