Saturday, July 11, 2020

Pence Out, Kanye In! Trump's New Running Mate!

The White House this morning announced that President Donald J. Trump has decided to replace Vice President Michael R. Pence with Kanye West as his running mate in November’s election, should he allow it to take place.
The rapper, clothing designer, bipolar disorder sufferer, and musical genius, who briefly flirted with the idea of running for president himself as the leader of the Delusional Egomaniac party, will undergo gender-reassignment surgery in September, with the same surgical team that transformed his wife’s former brother-in-law Bruce Jenner into Vanity Fair cover girl Kaitlyn Jenner.
“The president and Sean Hannity,” explained White House press secretary Kayleigh McNincompoop, whose name may not be spelled that way, “believe that Mr. West's replacement of Vice President Pence will make the Republican team irresistible both to voters of color and to the transgendered, as well as to Mr. West’s fellow sufferers of bipolar disorder. Biden's going to nominate as his own running mate a woman of color? Well, you snooze, you lose, Sleepy Joe! We beat you to it!"
“The president believes Mr. West’s abdication of his birth gender to be the supreme act of patriotism, one he wouldn’t have asked even of pardoned Navy SEAL and war criminal Eddie Gallagher.
"Our market research suggests that voters love the idea of a Trump/The Artist Formerly Known as Kanye ticket."
Kim(berleigh) Kardashian, West’s wife, and the mother of the couple’s four children — North, South, Nathaniel, and Victoria Beckham, has said, “I don’t think of myself as losing a husband, but of gaining another girlfriend with whom I can chat about new diet and fitness regimens, and boys, and makeup techniques, and boys.”
About Mr. Pence, whom a team of surgeons supervised by alcoholic former White House physician turned Texas congressperson Ronny Jackson will extricate from Mr. Trump’s rectum next Wednesday, Ms. McNincompoop read this statement from the president: “As America’s Hypocrite the past three and a half years, and more recently the leader of our incredible, phenomenal Coronavirus Task Force team, except when I got tired of standing in the background, and commandeered the microphone, Mike Pence has inspired a whole generation of shameless toadies. We thank him for his service, and warn him that if he’s contemplating writing a tell-all memoir about his years up my rectum, he might wish to reconsider.”
A spokesman for the Council of White Supremacists said that his group would have preferred Lindsay Graham — who’s said to have shapely legs, and on whose behalf Hannity is thought to have lobbied implacably — but that “whatever the president wants is what the CWS wants too.” Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling did not respond to numerous emails and text messages.