VARICOSE, MS — Since the publication of a photograph of senior presidential advisor Ivanka Trump holding up a can of the company’s frijoles as proudly as her brothers Junior and Dumberer hold up the carcasses of exotic animals they have killed, the local Walmart has been unable to keep Goya products in stock. “They been flying off the shelf’s,” affirms assistant manager Jerry Jeff Jeffers, who oversees the store’s furrin food aisle.
But that, Real News has discovered, doesn’t mean the hard-working, God-fearing people of Chlamydia County are actually eating the Goya products. “I’d do just about anything for President Trump,” methamphetamine marketer Ross Ewidge tells Real News. “I tried a spoonful of the frijoles, which turned out to be beans with a weird name, and you know what they tasted like? Drugs, disease, and rape! I tried feeding them to my dog, but he wouldn’t touch them.”
In other news, both Jeffers and Ewidge have come to own libtards in July. “They had a bunch of them in the markdown aisle last week, and I thought to myself, ‘For $12.99, how can I go wrong?’ Maybe he'll like the frijoles."
