Sen. Santorum Solves the Illegal Immigration Problem

There have been been nearly as many proposed solutions to the problem of undocumented aliens pouring into our country looking for low-paying, degrading, and often dangerous work (removing asbestos — that sort of thing) as national politicians. For several years, I favoured the idea of rounding up all the undocumented residents of the country and getting them to join hands along the length of the Mexican border. This would have had the dual benefits of getting them out of our cities and making it difficult for others like them to scurry into Texas and Arizona and so on in dead of night. But I recognise Sen. Santorum’s newly unveiled idea as far superior.

As you probably know, the senator fervently opposes abortion, even when medical science (how I hate even to think that word, let alone type it) is pretty sure that woeful birth defects will be present. In many cases, these defects involve deficient organs. Sen. Santorum’s idea is to offer undocumented aliens amnesty in exchange for access to their and their children’s transplantable organs — their hearts, lungs, kidneys, livers, pancreases, and spleens. In rare cases, as when a real American has been burned or involved in a tragic accident or a war in Afghanistan, they might also be called upon to give up their faces, facial transplantation having accelerated markedly in the 21st century.

We’re forever hearing about how the Mexican, Guatemalan, Honduran, or other who sneaks into the country has done it principally to benefit his or her family. The Santorum plan offers such persons an opportunity to put their money where their mouths are, so to speak. Want a better future for little Dieguito? Allow your ticker to be harvested for implantaion into an actual native American (as in born here, preferably to two white parents, rather than the tomahawk sort) with heart disease.

Speaking of facial transplantation, it’s obviously in its early stages; those who have their faces replaced generally look less alluring than terrifying. In a decade, though, I predict surgeons will have greatly refined the technique, and expect that women and vain men will have their visages changed as casually as they have their breasts enlarged today. Cosmetic surgeons’ reception areas will be filled with plain janes looking through glossy sample books depicting the various looks on offer. In every club and discotheque, there will be multiple Angelina Jolies. The boardrooms of major corporations will be lousy with George Clooney lookalikes.

The great benefit of which is that personality will come to enjoy the paramount importance the parents and other comforters of the plain have long falsely ascribed to it. Nearly everyone will look sensational, so young men will decide in whom to deposit their seed on the basis of how charming or even bright a prospective partner is.