Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Mike Pence at the Fertility Clinic

By virtue of being what is colloquially known as a stud, I have considerable experience of fertility clinics. I put myself through college and then law school by donating sperm at a variety of such facilities in my semi-native southern California, and the last time I checked, in 2014, was the father of no fewer than 11 children, by nine different mothers. I receive more Father Day cards than almost anyone I know. 
One must be tumescent – that is, “have wood” – to ejaculate, so those clinics unable to afford an in-house hottie who used to model for Victoria’s Secret catalogues, and was allowed keep some of the lingerie, commonly have on hand a selection of pornographic material. There will be copies of Hustler, with many pages stuck together, for the Trump voters, and higher-end publications for men of greater refinement. There will be videos, some presumably either starring or directed by Stormy Daniels, whose real name is Miriam Horowitz. 
Stud that I am, I never needed that sort of simulation. To prepapre myself to…donate, I had only to think of Sophia Loren stripping for Marcelo Mastroianni in Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow or, in more recent years, of Chrissy Amphlette of Divinyls. 
Be all of which as it may, I have now learned, through sources I have been asked not to identify, that Vice President Mike Pence is one of a group of  evangelical Christians dedicated to producing as many rosy-cheeked Christian children as possible before our country is overrun by Muslims and MS-13 thugs. Apparently Mr. Pence has the blessing of his beautiful wife Judy, whom he addresses in the hearing of horrified third parties as Mother, and whose real name is Karen. My understanding is that, when first offered a selection of sticky 1993 editions of Hustler and Stormy Daniels videos, he emphatically rejected them for being ungodly, and instead asked to be shown episodes of the much-praised Hulu television series A Handmaid’s Tale, which depicts a fascist theocratic future version of the USA in which women do what they’re told and are forever murmuring little pieties like ‘blessed day” and “praised be”.  
As you might imagine, the pages of the ancient Hustlers get stuck together by the sperm many gentlemen ejaculate into them. One is of course asked to ejaculate into a sterile receptacle, and forfeits his payment by, well, cumming into anything else, but many of those who find the crack addict sluts of Hustler exciting, and who regard Donald J. Trump as a viable political leader, can’t bear being told what they can and cannot do. Don't tread on me!