Monday, October 22, 2018

The Soul of a Snowflake

I get in lots of digital shouting matches with what some call Trumpists and others MAGAts. It never ends well. The problem, I think, is that it never starts well, in the sense that my adversary commonly makes a lot of hurtful, inaccurate assumptions about me as a lifelong leftist. This little essay is intended to make clear that in which I do and do not believe.
I believe that hard-working, patriotic Americans should be made to cover the expenses of lazy, good-for-nothing Americans who’d be quite happy for the USA to become another Venezuela. That is, I believe strongly in protecting and even expanding our existing extremely too-generous entitlements program, which enables pretentious dickheads such as I to work for years on novels no one will ever read because they’re not pulse-pounding page-turners like Tom Clancy’s, but full of showoffy big words and literary devices like irony and denouement. I believe the most malodorous substance-abusing homeless person has a perfect right to stagger into private hospitals and demand treatment by the same physicians who treat celebrities and the very rich. Indeed, I believe this to be a basic human right.
I have, from the first moment I began investigating it, believed in Marxism, of the sort practiced in the Soviet Union during the Cold War years. I believe that having to stand in line for hours to buy a single roll of flimsy, but abrasive toilet paper toughens one up, and that many Americans could do with a little toughening.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows, unless the rain is acidic, in which case we’re more likely to get a really ugly weed. Because of this, I believe in environmental regulations so draconian that the CEOs of corporations just trying to make an honest buck have quarter after quarter to tell their boards of directors that profits continue not to skyrocket. That these good men and women are commonly fired, and forced to accept employment cleaning the sanitary facilities in playgrounds in minority neighbourhoods, bothers me not in the slightest. I don’t admire them for having acquired degrees from posh universities to which they were admitted because their parents bought the universities gleaming new performing arts centres.
I believe we don’t need guns, except to go out into the wild occasionally and kill a wild animal just for the fun of doing so. I believe when the jihadists begin parachuting en masse into our country, offering them beans ‘n’ franks and a refreshing Bud Lite and converting them to secularism will work just fine, without the walls and bridges and what-have-you of our great land becoming bullet-riddled.
I believe in abortion on demand. If The Lord Thy God, in whom I’ll pretend to believe in this sentence for rhetorical purposes, didn’t want us to fornicate, She wouldn’t have made fornication so pleasurable, especially without a condom.
Yes, She. We snowflakes thumb our surgically diminished noses at the patriarchy! It's high time that both mansplaining and manspreading are criminalised.
I believe further that the LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ community should not only be allowed, but in fact encouraged, to hold hands — and worse! — in the view of impressionable children. They have to grow up sometime! Indeed, as a long-time supporter of The Homosexual Agenda, I believe that children should be introduced to alternative forms of eroticism in their sex education classes. I can’t understand how, on the one hand, the so-called right can be so avidly in favour of teaching creationism as an alternative to more conventional scientific thought while, on the other hand, objecting to anal intercourse being presented as a pleasurable, if slightly painful in the early going, alternative to traditional procreative coitus.
Godless secularist as I am, I don’t believe in Xmas, and feel strongly that those who do should be incarcerated — and, if possible, compelled to share cramped cells with huge serial rapists  — if overheard wishing each other Merry Xmas or even Happy Easter or putting tasteless, gaudy seasonal displays in front of their homes.
I believe that several prominent political figures might be witches, and believe Vice President Pence, Sen. McConnell, Newt Gingrich, Rudy Giuliani, and Dog the Bounty Hunger dropped off the tops of very high buildings so that we can find out for sure. If they don’t bounce, they weren't witches.
I believe in receiving a generous cheque every month from George Soros, or, on months when George is preoccupied with consorting with Zionist leftists and other enemies of everything decent, the Clinton Foundation. I believe further that Hollywood celebrities, except those with whom I disagree, are very wise in all matters. And I know from personal experience — I once attempted to persuade Morgan Fairchild to go out with me, in a nearly-empty Los Angeles cinema — that they smell really nice. Comparably, I eagerly embrace everything the Democratic National Committee says and does, and have photographs of Nancy Pelosi and Hillary on my iPhone, to look at whenever I need inspiration.
I believe in open borders, as I believe the average Honduran or Guatemalan refugee to be much more decent than the average Republican. Indeed, I believe that MAGA-cap-wearing Republicans ought to be sterilised. Stupidity that stupid benefits no one.