I get in lots of digital shouting matches with what some call
Trumpists and others MAGAts. It never ends well. The problem, I think, is that
it never starts well, in the sense that my adversary commonly makes a lot of
hurtful, inaccurate assumptions about me as a lifelong leftist. This
little essay is intended to make clear that in which I do and do not believe.
I believe that hard-working, patriotic Americans should be
made to cover the expenses of lazy, good-for-nothing Americans who’d be quite
happy for the USA to become another Venezuela. That is, I believe strongly in protecting
and even expanding our existing extremely too-generous entitlements program,
which enables pretentious dickheads such as I to work for years on novels no
one will ever read because they’re not pulse-pounding page-turners like Tom
Clancy’s, but full of showoffy big words and literary devices like irony and
denouement. I believe the most malodorous substance-abusing homeless person has
a perfect right to stagger into private hospitals and demand treatment by the
same physicians who treat celebrities and the very rich. Indeed, I believe this to be a
basic human right.
I have, from the first moment I began investigating it,
believed in Marxism, of the sort practiced in the Soviet Union during the Cold
War years. I believe that having to stand in line for hours to buy a single
roll of flimsy, but abrasive toilet paper toughens one up, and that many
Americans could do with a little toughening.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows,
unless the rain is acidic, in which case we’re more likely to get a really ugly
weed. Because of this, I believe in environmental regulations so draconian that the CEOs of
corporations just trying to make an honest buck have quarter after
quarter to tell their boards of directors that profits continue not to
skyrocket. That these good men and women are commonly fired, and forced to
accept employment cleaning the sanitary facilities in playgrounds in minority
neighbourhoods, bothers me not in the slightest. I don’t admire them for having
acquired degrees from posh universities to which they were admitted because
their parents bought the universities gleaming new performing arts centres.
I believe we don’t need guns, except to go out into the wild
occasionally and kill a wild animal just for the fun of doing so. I believe
when the jihadists begin parachuting en masse into our country, offering them
beans ‘n’ franks and a refreshing Bud Lite and converting them to secularism will work
just fine, without the walls and bridges and what-have-you of our great land becoming
bullet-riddled.
I believe in abortion on demand. If The Lord Thy God, in
whom I’ll pretend to believe in this sentence for rhetorical purposes, didn’t
want us to fornicate, She wouldn’t have made fornication so pleasurable,
especially without a condom.
Yes, She. We snowflakes thumb our surgically diminished
noses at the patriarchy! It's high time that both mansplaining and manspreading are criminalised.
I believe further that the LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ community
should not only be allowed, but in fact encouraged, to hold hands — and worse!
— in the view of impressionable children. They have to grow up sometime!
Indeed, as a long-time supporter of The Homosexual Agenda, I believe that
children should be introduced to alternative forms of eroticism in their sex
education classes. I can’t understand how, on the one hand, the so-called right
can be so avidly in favour of teaching creationism as an alternative to more
conventional scientific thought while, on the other hand, objecting to anal
intercourse being presented as a pleasurable, if slightly painful in the early
going, alternative to traditional procreative coitus.
Godless secularist as I am, I don’t believe in Xmas, and
feel strongly that those who do should be incarcerated — and, if possible, compelled
to share cramped cells with huge serial rapists — if overheard
wishing each other Merry Xmas or even Happy Easter or putting tasteless, gaudy
seasonal displays in front of their homes.
I believe that several prominent political figures might be
witches, and believe Vice President Pence, Sen. McConnell, Newt Gingrich,
Rudy Giuliani, and Dog the Bounty Hunger dropped off the tops of very high
buildings so that we can find out for sure. If they don’t bounce, they weren't
witches.
I believe in receiving a generous cheque every month from
George Soros, or, on months when George is preoccupied with consorting with Zionist leftists and other enemies of everything decent, the Clinton Foundation. I believe further that
Hollywood celebrities, except those with whom I disagree, are very wise in all
matters. And I know from personal experience — I once attempted to persuade Morgan Fairchild to go out with me, in a nearly-empty Los Angeles cinema — that they smell really
nice. Comparably, I eagerly embrace everything the Democratic National
Committee says and does, and have photographs of Nancy Pelosi and Hillary on my
iPhone, to look at whenever I need inspiration.
I believe in open borders, as I believe the average Honduran
or Guatemalan refugee to be much more decent than the average Republican. Indeed,
I believe that MAGA-cap-wearing Republicans ought to be sterilised. Stupidity
that stupid benefits no one.
