Saturday, December 25, 2010

An Observer of International Affairs to Be Reckoned With

This past Tuesday, on a radio show, that genial backstabber Mike Huckabee, whom Sarah will crush like a bug in the course of becoming the Free World's next leader, observed, “"Michelle Obama's not trying to tell people what to eat or trying to force the government's desires on people. She's stating the obvious — that we do have an obesity problem in this country." Well maybe you have, self-admitted “recovering foodaholic” and former 300-pounder, but Sarah, MILF that she is, hasn't, and regards a meal without dessert at the end as no meal at all, so STFU.

Another day, another reason, real or imagined — and almost always imagined! — for the lamestream to obstruct Gov. Palin’s historic march to history. Now they’re up in arms (albeit not nuclear ones!) about Sarah’s having quoted WikiLeaks-leaked diplomatic cables — even though she recently called for WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange to be not "pursued with the same urgency we pursue al Qaeda and Taliban leaders" — in her thought-provoking USA Today op-ed piece about the urgency of keeping nuclear weapons out of Iranian hands.

God, the lamestreamers can be obtuse.

Imagine someone has robbed a bank on a windy morning, and then, in the process of fleeing, stumbles and spills his big duffel bag full of paper currency, which he hadn’t time to zip up back at the scene of the crime. The wind catches the money and blows it all over city. It’s one thing to condemn the actions of the bank robber, as Sarah condemned Assange, but quite another to condemn a passer-by a couple of blocks away who, seeing crisp $100 bills blowing in the wind, snatches at them eagerly. Sarah’s having repeated information that has entered the public domain no way constitutes approval of the original leak.

If it weren’t controlled by Jewish liberals and so-called progressives who would like nothing better than to see America on its knees, what the lamesteam media would be doing is celebrating Sarah’s keen insights and restraint. Whereas King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has repeatedly asked the US to stop Iran’s nuclear experiments by force, Sarah, now indisputably an observer of international affairs to be reckoned with, wisely urges an escalation of existing United Nations economic sanctions. Take that, you naysayers who have continued to ridicule her for being able to see Russia from her front lawn!

If you’ll permit me, this is something on which I don’t actually share Gov. Palin’s view. I believe that we should implement regime change, exactly as we did in Iraq. Our road in that country wasn’t entirely smooth; about that there can be no debate. But it would be tragic to squander our hard-won experience, and not to apply it to Iran. And let us bear also in mind that we’ve still got lots of troops and equipment in the area. Rather than schlepping it all back here, and then having to pay through the nose to get them and it back to the Middle East at some unspecified future date, why don’t we get the job done now? It’s almost like living way out in the boondocks, driving hundreds of miles to the nearest mechanic, learning that your car needs both to have its transmission fluid replaced and the front wheels aligned, and having just one of those jobs done "to save money". That's false economy of a sort that I can picture no common sense conservative abiding! Bomb Ahmadinejad now!

In other news, Oprah, who recently refused to tell Barbara Walter if she thought Gov. Palin is qualified for the presidency, recently responded to Parade magazine’s question about whether she was scared by the prospect of Sarah’s imminent candidacy by saying “It does not scare me because I believe in the intelligence of the American public." The intelligence of the American public, that selfsame public that re-elected George W. Bush in 2004! And Sarah’s the one constantly accused of being snarky!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Nothing Left to Defend

According to an Education Trust report issued this week, nearly a quarter of recent high school graduates who attempted to join the army between 2005 and 2009 were rejected because of their inability to score at least 31 out of 99 on a test of basic reading, science, and math skills. The Pentagon is said to be especially nervous about this high rate of failure because 75 percent of those aged 17 to 24 don't even qualify to take the test by virtue of being physically unfit, having a criminal record, or having not graduated from high school. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan has admitted, "I am deeply troubled by the national security burden created by America's under-performing education system." This from a man who can't even spell Arnie!

Have we as a people become so despondent and listless under the jackboot of Obamarixt tyranny as to have learned nothing from Gov. Sarah Palin’s ascension to the uppermost tier of American political theorists and leaders? Are we really oblivious to the fact that it isn’t all about the sort of intelligence tests of this sort measure? Has Gov. Palin's having come to embody the hopes and dreams of countless millions not made clear that sometimes being wily, or even just gorgeous, is at least as good as a lot of showoffy book-learning of the sort favored at expensive East Coast universities in which liberal elitists plot against their average, hard-working, God-fearing neighbors? And what of street smarts? How many young persons who have them in profusion are we barring from military service because their dozen-or-so years in public and other schools left them unable to successfully confront such questions as If 2 plus X equals 4, what is the value of X? That’s algebra (or al-Gebra, or al-Qaida!) — many of whose methods, not to mention name, derive from Arabic/Islamic mathematics — and I say to hell with it!

I’d bet my bottom dollar that when news of this study spreads, the liberals and so-called progressives are going to start screaming that so many of our young people being too fat even to take the test owes to American moms making their families s’mores after they’ve finished their moose chili, rather than letting Michelle Obama and her Big Government cronies reward them with a yummy broccoli floret or something. Which leads us to ask ourselves: If we’re going to surrender to tyranny and allow Michelle Obama to say we can’t have dessert, what would be the point of having a military at all? What would be left to defend?

As for the military, the answer — in view of the great success we had in Iraq bribing insurgents to come over to the side of freedom, democracy, and time-honored American values — is obviously to hire as our soldiers, sailors, flyboys, and what have you residents of miserable Third World countries who will, for a stylish uniform, warm barracks, delicious freeze-dried American rations in pouches, and a fraction of what we have to pay our own young people, eagerly defend our way of life.

It’s a win-win situation. Our way of life gets defended, tens of thousands of residents of the world’s most miserable countries get to sleep with full bellies in dry warmth, and our young people get to keep eating as many s’mores as they please, and spend their hours in school sleeping or sending subliterate text messages, without fear of being placed in the path of Taliban or al-Qaida bullets. Common sense conservatism!

In other news, there’s been considerable ballyhoo lately about the movie The King’s Speech, about King George VI’s stammering. I believe that those in whose veins (not to mention arteries!) royal blood flows ought to be able to be able to hire speech therapists — and ghostwriters, and press secretaries! — but I’m not so sure about ordinary folk. I had a classmate in junior high school who stammered so badly while delivering a report in science class one morning that he wet his pants, and burst into tears of shame, and was never heard from again. Some might argue that the teacher was a sadist for compelling him to continue even when it became clear that he could barely get a word out, but I’m not at all sure that those with embarrassing infirmities shouldn't be encouraged to make a spectacle of themselves in front of us normal folk. God must have made them weird for a reason, and I suspect it was to make the rest of us hesitant to have anything to do with them, and thus keep the race strong and proud. For that, no one need apologize!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

My Life in Lingerie

The lamestream media is crowing about the apparent declining popularity of Sarah Palin’s Iowa. The prolific procreator and stranger to the great outdoors Kate Gosselin appearing on the show a few weeks ago with 14 of her 18 children inspired “only” 3.1 million additional viewers to tune in. Last week, without Gosselin to humiliate for not knowing a caribou from carob, Sarah attracted “only” 2.56 million viewers, as opposed to the 4.96 million who watched the show’s debut episode. The lamestream TV critics were quick to speculate that TLC might now decide against the Sarah Palin’s Third World Hellholes series they’d projected for next season.

Shed no tears for Sarah, though. To the rhymes-with-witches of The View, for instance, 2.56 million might not seem like very many, but what we have to bear in mind is that Sarah’s, except in rare cases, aren’t typical casual viewers, but deeply committed patriots intent on taking our country back from the Obamarxists and restoring our precious liberties and what have you. These aren’t people who settle for a particular program because the finger they use to depress the Up or Down button on their remotes gets tired, but who would gladly lay down their lives rather than continue to live under tyranny.

An even bigger consideration is that Sarah’s viewership began to decline only when the Jewish liberal and so-called progressive-controlled media hit her with their very best shot, rushing into production the unashamedly prurient My Life in Lingerie series. If you’ve somehow managed to remain ignorant of this Satanic filth — on CBS on Sunday evenings at eight, right after the still-popular (in spite of its being brazenly left-leaning) 60 Minutes — each week it follows a different “sex symbol” as she shops for and then models attire of the sort in which only a woman’s (male!) spouse should ever be allowed to see her.

And don’t imagine that its ratings haven’t been declining right along with Sarah’s. While 145.24 million tuned in for the first in the series, featuring Angelina Jolie in Victoria’s Secret, subsequent editions, featuring Jennifer Aniston, Pamela Anderson, Jessica Simpson, and Rachel Maddow, have attracted progressively smaller audiences.

I’m idealistic enough to feel strongly that TLC has a moral obligation to present the Hellholes series regardless of their ratings, as it won’t only expand Sarah’s world view before she deposes ObaMao in 2012, but also remind the viewer of how very much better we are than most of the world’s other countries. All too often, I think, we lose sight of that.

It appears now that Sarah’s daughter Bristol, who may or may not be pregnant again, has been seeing a lot of 20-year-old Alaska pipeline worker Giancinto “Gino” Paoletti, who helped her sell her condominium in Anchorage to express her disgust over only 67 locals turning up for Mom’s recent book-signing at the Dimond Blvd. Costco. Husband Todd is said to be incensed about her involvement with a foreigner whose name he can’t pronounce, even though Paoletti was born in Alaska no less than husband Todd himself, and even the most fervent xenophobe can usually handle Gino, at least in the sense of pronouncing his name.

In tacit acknowledgment of her having another bun in the proverbial oven, cute-as-a-button Bris has taken a new tack in her most recent TV spots promoting teen sexual abstinence. Whereas early spots ended with her looking soulfully into the camera and saying, “You can wait; you can!” in the new series, she says, a little bit saucily, in some viewers' eyes, “There’s lots of things you can do that’s like totally fun without his putting it in you, you know.” Younger daughter Pillow, meanwhile, is apparently in negotiations to begin dating the late Michael Jackson’s son Blanket, after having been advised by Bed, Bath & Beyond that neither of them will have to work another day in their lives if they can make this happen. Youngest daughter Paper, meanwhile, has been spending every spare minute during her winter break from school with chums Rock and Scissors, and reportedly continues, at her age, to find boys “gross.”

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Mental Hospital for the Deceased

This past weekend, Gov. Palin appeared at the Costco in South Anchorage, Alaska, to sign copies of her bestseller America by Heart: Ideals My Ghostwriters Cherish. Costco’s management had wristbands to hand out to ensure that at least the first 500 in line would be able to be able to see Sarah in person. That only 67 people actually showed up suggests that most of the local populace imagined they’d never even find a place to park, let alone get anywhere near the presumptive candidate. Of those 67, two — a blogger who’s been writing critically about Sarah, and a woman wearing a Worst Governor Ever T-shirt — were escorted out of the store. Naturally, the lamestream media and the liberals and so-called progressives (hereinafter, the LSCPs) were beside themselves.

Here we go again. You will find no more avid believers in the First Amendment, the one having to do with freedom of expression, than common sense conservatives; no way! But just as you don’t get to stand up in the middle of Walmart on the morning of Black Friday bellowing, “Fire!” you don’t get to say or write things that are grossly offensive to average, hard-working, God-fearing Americans, which is exactly what the evicted blogger, who ought to see how he likes it in Russia or North Korea, is in the business of doing. I mean, technically, you can, but if you do, it shouldn’t surprise you that two big security guards frog-march you out to the parking lot and dribble your head off the pavement until blood comes out of your ears, or even anus, not to get too graphic, but nothing makes me more furious than the abuse of freedom of speech.

As for the woman in the supposedly offensive T-shirt, that was no woman at all, but the late Wally Hickel, who, following the first of his two terms as Alaska’s governor, went on serve with distinction as Richard Nixon’s Secretary of the Interior. Having declared posthumously that he spent his life on earth trapped in the wrong body, he now dresses as a woman, and is earning money for the first recorded posthumous gender reassignment surgery by singing John Denver and James Taylor favorites in Anchorage mall parking lots; the locals pay him to stop singing. Many Alaskans disagree with his self-assessment as the state’s worst governor, pointing to the undistinguished records of Tony Knowles, Steve Cowper, and Frank Murkowski, but self-loathing, which his campaign managers “spun” as humility, was a key hallmark of his political persona.

The main thing is that, far from having him thrown out of her book-signing, Sarah was having him guided gently back into the parking lot, where the shuttle bus from the mental hospital for the deceased of which he is now resident was waiting for him. I think we can agree, common sense conservative and LSCP alike, that it’s a pretty dismal state of affairs when a political leader gets vilified even for acts of charity.

Speaking of female impersonators, it’s hardly as though Sarah lacks a uniquely clear-eyed view of modern feminism. In one of my own favorite sections of America by Heart, she exposes it as a ploy to make women dependent on Big Government for protection from date rapists, more conventional rapists, and abusive husbands and domestic partners. Pointing out that she herself has watched several Super Bowls with husband Todd and other genetic males, and never once been walloped, clobbered, or even slapped, she denounces as false a 1993 report that found that Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for violence against women. Common sense tells her — and us! — that if it didn’t happen to her, it didn’t happen to others either, and maybe it’s time that the feminist wives and girlfriends and what have you of LSCPs and reporters for the lamestream media think about shutting up and fetching their menfolk more Tostitos and Bud Lites, much as that rhymes-with-which Michelle Obama might want to keep to herself her stupid socialist opinions about what we should and should not be feeding our young people, who of course represent our country’s future.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Boneheadedness of the LASCPs

The liberals and so-called progressives are having a field day gloating about ought-to-have-been president John McCain’s saying on Saturday, after Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed, “I hope…we understand that we are doing great damage. Today is a very sad day.” The LASCPs are gleefully pointing out that in 2006, the perennial Arizona senator — without whose perspicacity Sarah Palin, his vice presidential running mate, wouldn’t have come to the forefront of American political life — sang this very different tune: “The day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, 'Senator, we ought to change the policy,' then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it." Against all odds and common sense, a Pentagon study released earlier this month found that allowing sexual deviates to serve without even pretending to be interested in the sorts of things their normal buddies like — gals with protuberant breasts, in the boys’ case, and boys with cute tushes and a fat wallet in the gals’ — might be fine, and both the Secretary of Defense and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff declared themselves undiscombobulated by the repeal.

To any common sense conservative it’s pretty clear that when McCain said, “The day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, 'Senator, we ought to change the policy,' then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it," what he was really saying, as any sensible person would have said, was actually, “Yeah, right; when Hell freezes over.” The LASCPs can be so helpless in the face of nuance or subtext! And these people imagine themselves capable of dealing effectively with Putin and Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez!

Sometimes, when I think of how much better off we would all be if McCain and Sarah had won in 2008, it makes me so sad and angry that I want to go into the wild and shoot something dead, or smash the windshields of cars with Obama or other socialist candidate bumperstickers.

There’s been a lot of speculation the past couple of weeks, since he pretty much wept through his 60 Minutes interview, about whether there’s something wrong with soon-to-be Speaker of the House John (Boo-Hoo) Boehner, something, that is, besides his having given Gov. Palin a hard time about the recent tax deal. (Sarah, bless her heart, didn’t think it did enough to ensure the ongoing comfort of the rich.) There are those who wonder if Boehner might be a bit too fond of his merlot, in spite of merlot having been portrayed in the 2005 Paul Giamatti vehicle Sideways as the wine of boneheads, or the mentally ill.

The whole episode serves to illustrate how much the country has degenerated morally under the stewardship of the Obamarxists. Years ago, when the would-be Democratic presidential candidate Edmund Muskie cried tears of anger or frustration because a New England newspaper had called his wife Jane awful names, he was immediately pronounced unworthy of high political office. America in those proud days wouldn’t tolerate a crybaby. When Richard Nixon resigned the presidency in 1974 because of the LASCPs’ relentless plotting against him, did so much as a single tear escape his eyes as he trudged for the last time toward the presidential helicopter? Not one! Now there was a leader!

The only thing you can say in Boehner’s defense is that only those things that matter most to most right-thinking Americans — family, or our brave young persons in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the American Dream — get him blubbing. It isn’t, in other words, as though he turns on the waterworks if one of his secretary points out that he has soup on his tie, or if a fellow Congressman threatens to punch him in the nose for not supporting a particular bill.

Speaking of Gov. Palin, Gallup found last month that 52 percent of “us” hold an unfavorable view of her, and a NBC/Wall Street Journal poll gleefully reports that her negative rating has actually increased since the debut of Sarah Palin’s Third World Hellholes on TLC several weeks ago.

As a people, we can be disastrously shortsighted sometimes, and this is clearly one of them. But don’t bet against the tide turning dramatically in the next few months, as we now learn of Sarah’s plan to step boldly out of her comfort zone and into the mainstream media’s crosshairs. On the evening of January 17, she will debate Noam Chomsky and the notorious (the LASCPs would probably prefer acclaimed) feminist, democratic socialist, sociologist and political activist Barbara Ehrenreich on PBS, with Katie Couric moderating.

This time, Sarah won’t be the one embarrassed.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Mr. Bigword Strikes Again: American Exceptionalism Explained

Well, so much for Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I know that I, for one, will sleep much more soundly at night knowing that our country is being defended in part by persons better suited to decorating interiors or styling hair or running Websites featuring catty gossip about movie and other stars, persons likely to undermine morale in their foxholes and Humvees and what have you by whining about having been denied the chance to moisturize thoroughly that morning, or pouting if someone wants to listen to Slayer or Slipknot rather than Lady Gaga. So much for our remaining a beacon of moral clarity in this regard, as we now join non-exceptional countries in allowing deviates into our military. Another blow to American exceptionalism!

It’s a tricky thing, American exceptionalism. On the one hand, our believing we shouldn’t have to play by the same rules as everyone else — that we are God’s favorite nation — irks many others; as George W. Bush pointed out, for instance, Islamic extremists hate us for our God-given freedom. On the other hand, we give other countries a standard to which to aspire, and you can’t convince me that isn’t valuable. The liberals and so-called progressives will tell you that our sense of what they dismissively term “entitlement” embitters other countries, in much the same way the beauty and grace of the hottest girl in high school will embitter not only other, less hot, girls, but also stammering, pustule-covered boys who would no more be able to speak to her than to the late Eleanor Roosevelt, even while their hormones are screaming at them to get busy. To those liberals and so-called progressives, I say, “Whatever.” If God didn’t love us most, he wouldn’t have made us the richest and purest of heart and best-looking!

I suspect that having been the pre-eminent hotty at Wasilla High School uniquely qualifies Gov. Sarah Palin to protect American exceptionalism. Last Friday, as you know, she submitted to an interview with Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts, even though the lack of a comma in the program’s title is known to bother Sarah, who’s something of a stickler for faultless grammar and lucid syntax. A lot of liberals and so-called progressives are whining about Roberts having handled Sarah with kid gloves; indeed, there are those who have wondered, with the utmost crassness, if Roberts having crawled up Sarah’s rectum over the course of the interview is going to cause the presumptive candidate eliminative problems at a time when American can least afford her suffering them. A contributor to went so far as to assert that Sarah responded to Roberts’ hard-hitting questions with “free-associative demagoguery in a singsongy tone.” Mr. Bigword strikes again; how the liberals and so-called progressives must love that. To them, I say, “Get a life!”

Driving home from the gymnasium yesterday afternoon on the Hamilton Fish Bridge, I passed a big SUV with Palin in 2012 and I Love Jesus bumper stickers, and all of the early afternoon’s despair melted away like lemon drops; it felt like the Christmas season finally beginning in earnest. I smiled at the driver, a burly, ursine caribou hunter type in a bushy beard and baseball cap, but he was apparently entranced with whatever the Christian rock station was playing at that moment (my own car radio is tuned to the Christian hip hop station), and it occurred to me that if I didn’t turn back to the road ahead, Sarah might be denied my vote in 2012.

I feel strongly that she’s going to win in a landslide with or without me, but I think it’s human nature to imagine oneself key to the success of persons or ventures to which he actually matters not at all. As a boy in a Los Angeles beach community, I fretted that if I didn’t listen attentively to their game on the radio, the Dodgers would lose. This may sound foolish or even delusional, but when I became a substance-abusing college student whose infinitely greater interest was in rock and roll, the team went into a frightful decline. For the sake of the country I love, I must not and cannot make the same mistake with Sarah.