Having already written the most beautiful song in the world, and the most heartbreaking song, and the wittiest, I have now resolved to write the most obnoxious.
It will of course be a rock song, full of braggodoccio and petulance. When recorded, it will of course be very guitar-heavy. The guitars will be very distorted, with the rhythm guitar imitating the iconic, template-creating rhythm guitar in Steppenwolf’s Born to Be Wild. The lead guitar will play a showoffy, 16th-note-triplet-laden solo that ends ‘way up at the top of the fretboard. The singer will squeal in such a way as to evoke a piglet in agony. The chorus, in the manner of Def Leppard, will consist of a dozen or so multitracked voices shouting the name of the song — Cockblocked — three times, with the lead singer squealing maniacally over the top. "I been...cockblocked! [Guitar riff] Cockblocked! [Guitar riff] Cockblocked! [Guitar riff].
Yes, Cockblocked. Some of the most obnoxious songs ever have been sung from the viewpoint of rock stars displeased with the women hurling themselves at them. Grand Funk’s ghastly “We’re an American Band” comes immediately to mind, and Rod Stewart’s “Stay With Me". In my song, the singer will have had his eye on a little strumpette who’s come backstage to tell hm how wonderful he is, only for someone in his entourage to point out that she’s almost certainly underaged, and potentially very much more (legal) trouble than she’s worth. Hence the singer’s feeling of having been cockblocked. you see. Being a rock star, though, he doesn’t recognise the value of the advice, and gets all peevish about being thwarted.
Just, as I was about to click Publish, I realised that, during the penultimate chorus, all the instruments except the drums will drop out. When they thunder back in, led by a flurry of 64th-note triplets by the guitarist, and the singer shrieking the highest note he's hit over the course of the song, the listener will want to punch the air above his head. Rock and roll, dewed!
Honestly, don’t you love it so far?
