Cherlize Theron and the Shuttle to Oblivion

Let’s imagine, just for the fun of it, that a superior (what a tall order!) race of aliens informed the White House that if we Americans don’t shoot the 1000 most despicable among us into space within 96 hours, let’s say, they were going to use technology unfathomable to even the most brilliant terrestrial physicist to extend Mexico’s northern border up to Canada’s southern one.

I believe any right-thinking American would suggest Dick Cheney, our Great National Villain, for the first seat on the shuttle to oblivion, and the Goldman Sachs and like greedheads responsible for the recession for several rows of their own. Then you’ve got your Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs, your Hannitys and Bill O’Reillys, your Michelle Malkins and Ann Coulters, that whole bunch.

Here’s where it gets interesting. I would reserve several seats for persons who make their livings by, for instance, ridiculing the dresses various female movie stars wore to this or that awards ceremony or other red-carpet occasion. Is there a lower form of life than the woman who mocks for money the Oscars dress choice of, say, Charlize Theron, who is presumably 40 million times more attractive and talented than she’ll ever dream of being? I'd be willing to bet that most such women have as husbands or boyfriends guys who, at the sight of a mullet, jump up and down as though four and drool all over themselves with delight at the prospect of getting to disapprovingly gurgle, "Mullet!"

And while we’re at it, how about those talking heads on the Fuckups of the Superstars shows you see on VH1 and the like? There’s one, a whiney little Asian who looks as though somebody tried to push the front of her face through the back of her head, but lost interest in the job halfway through, who’s forever rolling her eyes about the brattishness of the Lindsays and Britneys of the world. The Lindsays and Britneys of the world do indeed seem brattish, if we believe what we’re told about them; wat bothers me about the whiney little Asian is that she works so hard at giving the impression that she was right there in the passenger seat, privy to Lindsay’s faintest moodswing. She’s every star’s confidante, you see! My guess is that she knows no more than you or I do, and you and I know only what we hear on Fuckups of the Superstars.

Speaking of Cheney, his extremely attractive and talented daughter Liz, the non-lesbo one, recently accused nine Justice Department lawyer who’d represented accused Guantanamo detainees of being the "al-Qaida Seven," employees of the "Department of Jihad.” In This Great Nation of Ours, as that other great American, Sarah Palin, puts it, Daddy’s Little Girl seems to agree that everyone is entitled to a vigorous legal defense — unless he or she is known by one of the Cheney family, with exactly as much first-hand knowledge as the little VH1 Asian has about Linday Lohan’s sobriety, to have been guilty of terrorism.

I personally would like to see La Cheney tarred and feathered for her public opposition to the Sixth Amendment, but would settle for her being disbarred. Or maybe she’d enjoy a nice rocket ride, right alongside her handsome papa.

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