Cool Fun in Hot Weather!

Where I live, in New York’s Hudson Valley, we’ve had two consecutive weeks of ghastly weather. The humidity is usually at around 500 percent, the temperature hovers around 90 degrees, and the skies, they are cloudy — and threatening — all day. But the citalopram continues to work wonders, and my spirits remain buoyant, and I’d like to buoy your own today, by telling you some of my own favorite ways to have fun in the summer without spending a dime, unless you count minimal transportation and wardrobe costs.

Supermarkets, which are typically air-conditioned, and whose frozen food aisles can seem very like Heaven in this weather, offer fun galore. Follow a particular fellow shopper around, inconspicuously. Every time he or she is out of sight, drop something into his or her shopping cart. Chuckles a-plenty accrue from his or her finally noticing all the extraneous items, scratching his or her head, scowling, and muttering, “WTF!” Better yet, follow a parent whose little child is riding in the shopping cart. When Mom or Dad is distracted, slip little Josh or Jennifer a chocolate bar. Oh, the hilarity when Mom or Dad sees him or her eating it and shrieks, “Where did you get that?”

Theme parks are another wonderful hot-weather destination, though you’re likely to spend a lot of time feeling as though melting. Go on a roller coaster or comparably thrilling ride. Afterward, go to the counter at which the photos of you and fellow fun-havers open-mouthed in terror are being sold as mementos of your visits to the theme park. When you see fellow fun-havers preparing to buy their photos, try to outbid them. That is, if the going rate is $9.99, say, tell the teenager behind the counter that you’ll give her $12 for the photo of the complete stranger having the time of his or her life. Should the complete stranger protest, ignore him or her; respond only by raising your bid. “$15 then. I must have it!”

You can have a lot of fun at airports too, especially if you’re able to cry on command. Go meet a flight. Tearfully greet a complete stranger. Embrace her. Draw back to arm’s length with eyes overflowing, and tremulously say, “It’s so good to see you!” Then burst into tears and clasp her to you even more fervently than before. You’ll be surprised — and greatly amused — by how hard many people, humbled by your own emotional effusion, will try to play along!

Got an air-conditioned vehicle? Head out on the highway, looking for adventure! In this case, the adventure will be noting the phone number on every 18-wheeler with a How Am I Driving? sign on the back. Pull over to the side of the road, phone this number on your cell phone, and tell whomever answers that you strongly believe the driver whose driving you just witnessed to deserve a raise. Fun, and a random act of senseless kindness!

This last one is best done with a couple of accomplices, and in business or business-casual attire, for which reason you might want to wait until Friday, on which many American companies now encourage their employees to dress slobbishly. Go to a medium-sized office, one with 12 to 20 employees, and stage an...intervention for one of them, as though he or she is a substance abuser. Don’t allow the receptionist to dissuade you; grimly tell him or her, “This is more important than office protocol,” as you hurry purposefully to the office of the designated beneficiary of the intervention. With luck, he or she will be in the middle of a PowerPoint presentation to several colleagues, whose mouths will drop open when you solemnly intone, “Barbara [assuming that’s your beneficiary’s name], we, who love you, think that the time to acknowledge that you have a problem with [abusable substance] is right now!” Barbara will of course assert that she has no idea who you are, which is your cue to shake your head with the utmost sadness and say to her colleagues, “We expected this, of course.”

Have fun, and stay cool!