Wednesday, October 29, 2014

20 Celebrities You Didn't Know Enjoy Anal Sex With Llamas

In the United Kingdom, where I hung my hat for nearly three-quarters of a decade, there exists a particular sort of magazine that appeals without apology to the basest instincts of the lowest common denominator. It will typically be dedicated to showing its readers the stretch marks and underarm sweat stains of female celebrities. It will reveal how ghastly said celebrities look without makeup, or at the end of a 16-hour vigil at the bedside of relatives recently grievously injured in what the Brits call car crashes. The photo captions are invariably mean-spirited. Cheryl Cole [formerly of Girls Aloud] looks rubbish as she uses the loo for the ninth time in a 90-minute span after eating in a dodgy Indian.

I used to dare imagine that we were better than that. Boy, are we not. America has discovered that Internet surfers have an insatiable appetite for clickbait, and TV viewers for snideness, and one is forever being tempted on line to click on, for instance, 20 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Enjoy Anal Sex With Llamas. Because Time Warner recently decided to reconfigure its channel lineup, I have no idea where anything is anymore, and because I have a dilapidated old man's memory, I commonly click through 200 channels trying to find the Scandinavian fetish porn channel. I’m aghast in the process of doing so to see a great many smirking little snarkbags expressing their disdain for, for instance, the actress Renee Zellwegger’s appearance having changed in the past 15 years — possibly owing to plastic surgery. 

If you don’t count politicians (Dick Cheney always leaps to mind at a moment like this), I think these commenters-on-celebrities might be the lowest form of American life. 

It strikes me that many who strongly support women being able to make decisions about their own uteruses are pretty iffy about their deciding what goes on with their own faces. If Renee Zellwegger’s going to feel better about herself, or more employable, after a bit of cosmetic surgery, how is it the place of celebridicule.com's 26-year-old Shawn Smirkyface, whom time hasn't yet begun to ravage, to condemn her for it? 


5 comments:

  1. What exactly do you Americans call car crashes?

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    1. Accidents, as in, "He was in an accident yesterday."

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  2. 9you may by now have noticed that I'm fond of the word exactly)

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    1. It could be much worse, Benvenuto. It could be one of my own big three. Implacably. Fervently. Incalculably. I do love me some adverbs.

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