As you know, all I watch on television anymore is The Food Network. Where I’m pretty sure I would find depressing speculation about why a German pilot killed himself an 150-or-so others by pointing his plane at the Alps, I am diverted and fascinated by the sight of four prolifically tattooed sous chefs and line cooks trying to make a credible appetizer out of, for instance, Chilean sea bass jowls, musang king durian, potato chips, and pomegranate vinegar, as they do on the glorious Chopped.
Always with the pimply hyperbole! Just once —once! — can’t he take a bite of something, look horrified, and spit it out? “Oh, man, dude,” I’d love for him to say, as he surely would, “this sucks!” If chefs are the new rock stars — as no one has suggested that they are — Guy Fieri is Grand Funk Railroad.
On 30-Minute Meals, Rachael Ray is looking strangely subdued, and maybe a little bit sullen, like a 15-year-old girl whose father has told her that if she doesn’t stop brutalizing her little brother, she won’t get to use the car to go ridin’ next Sunday, which is of course an Eddie Cochran reference, as “pimply hyperbole” was a Hard Day’s Night one.
If food is the new rock and roll, Ted Allen is James Taylor, except without the pulse-pounding excitement.
|Wee Willie is on duh right.|
The purported titans of the food industry include the founder of Planet Hollywood, at which no sane person has ever eaten, and which I thought had gone backrupt many years ago, and wee Willie Degel, a dese-‘n’-dose type from one of the Outer Boroughs who imagines himself wry for saying, “I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.”
Which is, as so many so love to say these days, so wrong on so many levels. First, what made the idea funny when Marlon Brando first mumbled it in The Godfather was that him or her to whom the offer was tendered had a choice between accepting the offer and being murdered. Worse, there is nothing less witty than something borrowed intact from a movie or television program. Worst, even less witty than that is something borrowed intact from a movie or television program that’s been part of the national, uh, discourse for 40 years.
A person who imagines it witty to speak of offers that can’t be refused probably wouldn’t wash his or her hands after using the restroom. Heed dis well, Willie.