I’ve
probably applied for 150 graphic design jobs since approximately last October.
I’ve received maybe half a dozen emails thanking me for my interest, but
lamenting that I didn’t seem A Good Fit for the Position (Human
Resources-speak: I could listen to it all day!) for reasons not specified. In spite of the fact that I love the work, am terrific at
it, and have 23 years’ professional experience, I've been invited in for no interviews. Maybe my resume mentions
Adobe inCopy insufficiently frequently or something.
In
any event, I got my second actual reach-out from a prospective employer this
morning. Mr. Joseph O— of Ematic, which he described, squandering few opportunities to capitalize, as “a leading designer and
manufacturer of Consumer Electronics and Automobile Accessories that’s been
partnering with Wal-Mart, Fry’s Electronics and Radio Shacks to sell tablets,
Mp3 players and DVD Players,” sent me an email saying that he was impressed
with my resume, and eager to chat. We agreed that he would
phone me at 2:30, a time I ordinarily reserve for wondering how I’m going to
find the strength to go on.
He finally called at 2:48. He sounded around 12, and made no mention of having admired my online portfolio. Instead, he wanted
to know what programs I use. Photoshop, I said, and Illustrator, though I use Illustrator so seldom that I’m not sure I remember even how to launch it. He sounded a
little bit disappointed. “How about Excel and Powerpoint?” he wondered warily.
A new one on me! Could he have been speaking of Microsoft’s spreadsheet program, which, as you know too well, features
calculation, graphing tools, and pivot tables, not to mention the macroprogramming language Visual Basic for Applications? Had I
missed yet another boat? Are designers now required to generate spreadsheets?
Panicking, I changed the subject, and assured him that I’m a wiz at Powerpoint,
that program so beloved of persons who believe that bullet points are the
wellspring of all human understanding — a program much, much beloved, I am sure, by
the sort of person who would characterize another as Not a Good Fit for the
Position, or speak of synergy.
 |
I designed this in Excel. That's a joke. |
Actually, a few years ago, I was doing some freelance stuff for an organization
called Latinos in College. Its boss lady sent me a Powerpoint presentation. It
was hideous, but I discovered that one could quite easily import into the
program gorgeous illustrations created in Photoshop. I know only that about
Powerpoint, and wish to know no more.
Young (presumably) Mr. O— seemed suitably impressed, my
having dodged the Excel question notwithstanding. “We’re looking,” he said, “to
pay somewhere between $10 to $11 per hour.”
I pointed out that one could earn more than that stocking
supermarket shelves, or making burritos. I didn’t point out that for $11/hour,
Emetic, as I’d decided to call his company, might be able to hire a monkey, but
that the monkey very likely would know neither Excel nor Powerpoint. I didn’t point out
that many designers would probably be inclined to urge him to have sex with
himself after hearing his very insulting offer. He'll find out soon enough!
Of course, his very insulting offer is very much better than
that contained in an advertisement I just saw for a composer. Someone
wants to hire a collaborator to write the music for a Book of Mormon-like musical.
“Payment,” the ad notes, “is on an unpaid basis.”
Ponder
that en route to your next pizza delivery, former philosophy majors.
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