Excluded From the Debates, I Nonetheless Fight On!

By now you’ve no doubt heard that I won’t be participating in tonight’s debate. The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Rinse Previous, didn’t have the courtesy (or maybe the courage?) to actually phone me with that disheartening news, but sent me a text message, citing as the reason for my exclusion the fact that none of the polls found that I, the only socialist among the 173 announced candidates, had any support at all among registered Republicans. Apparently the pollsters regard my Facebook friends as statistically insignificant.

Apparently I did myself no good whatever nominating the Mexican drug kingpin Joaquín (El Chapo) Guzmán as my running mate. I felt sure that the same American electorate that responds so enthusiastically to Donald J. Trump saying that he has a sure-fire plan to eradicate Isis, but that he won’t reveal it, would love the idea of a man of El Chapo’s proven resourcefulness and entrepreneurial zeal being my running mate. But the polls suggest otherwise.

I have added a couple of planks to my platform since last we spoke. Mr. Trump has suggested that a wall be built along the length of the border we share with Mexico, to preclude disease-ridden rapists and drug dealers continuing to swarm into our once-great country and get jobs as domestics, gardeners, busboys, and removers of asbestos from old houses. He will apparently use his unparalleled negotiating skills to convince our neighbors to the south to foot the bill. I haven’t had the pleasure of witnessing him in action, or of reading one of "his" many books, but my guess is that one of his key negotiating ploys is to scowl censoriously at his adversaries, as in the photo to the left. My guess is that he imagines himself to look quite sultry when he does this, but I personally prefer when he pouts, as in the photo above right. Perhaps I will become the darling of Log Cabin (that is, gay) Republicans by admitting that his pout makes me wish I too had been born gay.

An appalling number of Americans decide for whom to vote on the basis of whose television attack ads manipulate their emotions most successfully. (Candidate X paroles scary-looking black rapists prematurely? Well, I’m sure not going to vote for him!) This is wonderful for TV channels and the advertising and other agencies who create the ads, and horrible for the country. Candidates with more money have a huge — and unfair — advantage. The obvious way to fix this is to ban political advertising. Let the populace make its decision based on a series of debates to be broadcast on public television. Let the ad agencies go back to selling us junk food, soda pop, and beer that tastes like soda pop. Oh, and while I’m at it, I think I’ll make lobbying a capital crime.

But let’s get back to keeping our once-great country free of Spanish-speaking riff raff. Rather than a wall, I favor inviting the millions of proud, patriotic xenophobes whose jobs undocumented aliens have stolen joining hands along the border, creating an impenetrable human chain. Naturally, said chain will be boy-girl-boy-girl to preclude two patriots of the same sex falling in love while clutching each other and becoming engaged, or even married. As president, I shall appoint Gov. Mike Huckabee to ensure that this arrangement is strictly enforced.

No, wait. That won’t work. I just remembered that Gov. Huckabee is to be the first Christian hypocrite publicly crucified after I take office. My understanding is that Christianity is about love and compassion, rather than condemnation. Gov. Huckabee is about condemnation. Anybody got a hammer?

I think we can agree that either Dick Cheney or Henry Kissinger is America’s Villain, Taylor Swift America’s Virgin, Kanye West America’s Delusional Egomaniac, and Sarah Palin America’s National Embarrassment. Can we not further agree, speaking of the current GOP frontrunner, that Donald J. Trump is America’s Asshole?   

For the record, I regard my Facebook friends as the most wonderful people on earth — kind, generous, empathetic, generous, loyal, clean, thrifty, obedient, and brave, though sometimes not as obedient as I would prefer. Together, we can!