Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Love Child Springsteen and Katy Perry Won't Talk About

I know Muslims are mostly (some, I assume, are good people) terrorists and murderers  who believe in female genital mutiliation and sharia law and shit, not necessarily in that order, but they’re OK in my book, and you know why? Because without them, I probably wouldn’t of gotten my Transportation Security Administration airport screening job, and made my family so proud and shit. I’m the first member of my family to ever be more than a security guard, and we haven’t even had one of those since my grandpa. My dad flunked out of the security guard academy after he got back from Vietnam, and for most of his career held up signs advertising fast food (Subway, McDonald’s, and what-have-you) on busy corners downtown, and sometimes passing out leaflets, which he didn’t like much because most people wouldn’t take one, and it was humiliating, which is why Moms thought he started drinking and shit.

The TSA won’t take just anybody, you know, and you have pass random drug tests, and you don’t even know when they’re going to be. The job’s a lot more demanding than being a security guard, or handing out flyers, but I’m not going to pretend I don’t love it. Before I quit high school, I wasn’t exactly in “the in crowd”. I had pretty severe skin problems, and wasn’t much of an athlete, and nobody much noticed me except when one of the jocks needed lunch money, and he’d come over and say, “Yo, Pizzaface, how about you give me a couple of bucks and I don’t pull your jeans down around your ankles in front of everybody?” But now, thanks to my official TSA uniform and badge and shit, the tables are turned, and I’m the one doing the intimidating. 

Somebody who looks like he might have been a jock or in crowd type in high school comes through my little area, I make the fucker wish he’d never been born. Will you please take your shoes off, sir? And now your socks too? Step back and walk through again, please. You didn’t hear the buzzer? Well, when did you last have your hearing examined , sir?  I heard it, sir, and I'm the one who counts here. LMFAO.

The one thing I don’t like is that we’re supposed to call everybody sir (except for the women, of course) and say please a lot, but unless one of the supervisors with a stick up their ass is around, nobody actually does it.

Oh, sure, every once in while you’ll get some smartass who demands to be spoken to politely, but every TSA person who’s been on the job for longer than an hour knows how to shut them up in a hurry. You smile and say, “Do you want to make your flight or not, sir?” Shuts them right up every time! LMFAO.

You meet some interesting people, and some really weird ones. Just before Christmas, I had this Down syndrome type guy who took his tongue out while he was waiting to come through the metal detector. I swear to God! At first I thought it was an optical illusion, or whatever, but then he did it again. I guess that’s what the politically correct crowd mean when they describe somebody as “differently abled”. LOL. 

Speaking of political, before the election, you’d be surprised how many people wearing Hilary Clinton buttons missed their flights. There aren’t a lot of libtards at the TSA. I can promise you that. After President Trump's started making America great again, I'll be surprised if there's any at all! 

No job’s without its hazards, of course. Sometimes, right in the middle of patting down somebody who set off the metal detector, they’ll say something like, “Ooh, I like that!” or wink at you or something. It’s embarrassing as hell for someone like me, who doesn’t have an LGBT bone in his body, but even less of those types get to their gates on time than Hilary voters.

Have a nice flight. 

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