Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Resignation of President Donald J. Trump

Dear Mr. President:

You’ve a handsome young son to raise, and many grandchildren for whom to serve as both inspiration and mentor. There is much golf to be played, and many foreign leaders to be mocked in poignant tweets, and allies almost beyond counting still to be alienated. There’s your beautiful young(ish) wife to be satisfied. Only a person of your superhuman virility could keep up with such a schedule.

Not, sir, that you want to. You have long since proven that you are the ultimate winner. How many of your fellow billionaires have been elected president? How many of your fellow television stars have woken in the morning thinking, “I’m the most powerful person in the world”? None is how many, sir. Zero. You have redefined winning!

Magnificent though you are, sir, no one is good at everything. May I, with the utmost respect, suggest that you allow me, a professional writer for decades, supply you with a first draft of your resignation letter, with the understanding that I shall revise it in accordance with whatever you suggestions you’re able to concentrate long enough to make, and then give you full credit for it?

Dear Fellow Americans:

In the 130-or-whatever days I’ve been your president, I’ve accomplished more than Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, Frederick Douglass, both Roosevelts, both Bushes, and both Clintons did in their collective full terms. My time in office has been marked by tremendous, amazing accomplishments. I fired missiles at Syria while eating chocolate cake; that’s how effortless it was for me! I got us out of the Paris whatever, the environment thing the coal miners didn’t like. I saved millions and millions of jobs. I almost got Obamacare repealed. I met the Pope and patted the Wailing Wall. I put Angela Merkel, who’s s un-hot it isn’t even funny, in her place. I shoved that dude from Montenegro or wherever out of the way, and in so doing demonstrated that America isn’t going to stand behind anybody anymore. I did a fantastic job.

I did a fantastic job, and all this after winning the election in an historic landslide even after nine million Latinos and whatever snucked illegally into the country to vote for Crooked Hillary, and even after being inaugurated and whatever before the biggest viewing audience in the history of viewing. I appointed an incredible, phenomenal Cabinet, and that Supreme Court guy. Neil Armstrong? Is that his name? I did a fantastic job, and all this while not missing a single one of my youngest son Bannon’s Little League games, and not failing to read him a bedtime story every night even though a lot of people are saying he’s old enough to read his own now because he inherited my brains. I did a fantastic job, and my first trimester in office has been marked by tremendous, amazing accomplishments.

And what have I gotten for my trouble?  A lot of tsouris is what! Made fun of by a lot of losers and haters and whatever. Mocked; isn’t that the word? Told that even after sitting through more boring “briefings” in a week than anyone should have to sit through in a lifetime, I wasn’t entitled to “unwind” on the golf course. And all the while I’ve got dweeby little Rinse Previous or whatever his name is telling me that my poll numbers are down and that the optics, whatever the hell they are, of my flying down to Mar-a-Lago again will make them go down even farther.

So you know what? I’m out of here. You chose me by a huge, huge, incredible margin over Lyin’ Ted Cruz, and who you’re going to be left with is God-Fearin’ Mike Pence. Well, have fun with him, losers and haters, and his lovely wife Mother, or whatever her real name is. I can just picture the Pope holding onto her hand a couple of seconds too long!

I am resigning to spend more time with my family. I want to get to know even my younger daughter, whose name I forget, who you’d think would be a lot hotter than she is, considering that Marla was around a 12 out of 10 when I left Ivana for her. And I want to spare my little boy Bannon any more bashing in the media. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s just a kid.

What? It’s that disgusting pig Mr. Ginblossom, they’ve been bashing? My boy’s name is spelled with R’s, and not N’s? And Kellyanne didn’t say anything?

I am so out of here.

No comments:

Post a Comment