The English will tell you they have an arid sense of humour, and, unlike Americans, a knack for irony. One wonders. I launched a campaign in 2012 to get Kent's Isle of Thanet, where I lived at the time, to secede from the United Kingdom and request American statehood. If America didn't want to change its flag (which, since 1959, has had 50 stars), I suggested that it might give Delaware back to England. The BBC, much amused, dispatched an interviewer and her sound-and-camera guy to film me presenting the idea to the fine folks of Ramsgate. More than a few folks seethed with anger at my idea. The seethers apparently hadn't received the memo about savouring irony, and having a dry sense of humour.
Early this week, I conducted another test, and once again found that something like one in five English people actually has the sense of humour the English enjoy imagining they have. "I am hoping," I wrote on a neighbourhood Website, "to enlist some of my neighbours in my campaign to make Richmond a drive-on-the-right borough. As one who learned to drive in southern California, and drove in the USA for years and years and years before relocating here in 2001, I firmly believe that nature intended for us to drive on the right, the weird present arrangement having been originated by persons who returned from the Crusades with PTSD, and who thought it best to meet oncoming stranger sword-to-sword. I suggest that a shield-to-shield arrangement would have resulted in far fewer casualties.
"I appreciate that converting right-hand-drive cars to the sort found in my verdant homeland will involve some considerable expense, but am confident that the many benefits of the more natural configuration will far outweigh it. Should anyone wish an attractive Driving On the Right Just Feels So Right lawn sign or bumper sticker, please do contact me here. They are only £25 apiece, or £51 for two. Happy motoring!"
The responses follow. I have cleaned up only the most egregious grammatical errors. The English don't punctuate at all well.
[Name Withheld 1], Ham
I know we have some bonkers neighbours but this must surely qualify for the loopiest suggestion of the century - let alone the new year!!
[Name Withheld 2], Petersham
I agree with you! What nonsense!
[Name Withheld 12], East Twickenham
This is unthinkable, when everyone else is driving on the left! What do you want to do - cause multiple accidents??
[Name Withheld 10], Petersham
You must have a lot of time on your hands. It's not only the cars that would need converting but all the road signs, traffic control and even the slope of the camber on bends on motorways and exits.Try Speakers Corner. 'You're havin a larf mate.’
[Name Withheld 13], Latchmere
Gosh must have reached April 1st without my realising. How time flies when you’re busy and don’t have time on your hands for foolish thinking!
[Name Withheld 3], Ham
Driving on the right wont happen - I'm more concerned about the economics of the bumper sticker costs!
[Name Withheld 6], Teddington Park
Gosh this is crazy
[Name Withheld 8], Latchmere
Love the ambition being shown here, good work. I’m keen to buy stickers for my neighbours. What’s the going rate/deal for 78 stickers please?
[Name Withheld 9], Ham
How stupid can you get!!!!!!
[Name Withheld 13], East Twickenham
Brilliant! I'd be very much interested in some bumper stickers too. Could we possibly do some sort of 'buy one get one free' deal? Say 100? I don't currently have a car but my blinds have yet to arrive and there are lots of things I don't wish for my neighbours to see.
[Name Withheld 14], Latchmere
I don't think I would use that sticker if it was free!! Why would anyone pay that amount of money to make a nutter rich?
[Name Withheld 15], Latchmere
I think it's a great idea, specially if we started one day per week and everyone could choose a different day!
[Name Withheld 16], Latchmere
Maybe alphabetically? Or based on the street you live in? At least then everyone who lives on the same street will drive on the same side on the same day,
Name Withhelds 8, 13, 15, and 16 actually got the joke, you see, and in a couple of cases enhanced it. Bless their wry hearts. But my fave respondent by far was Name Withheld 9, whose question answered itself!
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