Through various sources who have requested anonymity, I have learned a little about Jorge Luis Mejía, the Honduran swimming pool cleaner who seemed to a great many observers to be Melania Trump’s date to the State of the Union after-party on Tuesday evening.
He is 33 years old, and was born in the cutely named Tegulcigulpa suburb of El Chimbo. His father Refugio was a journalist and public intellectual, his mother Rosa the star of a popular afternoon television programme modelled on Oprah Winfrey’s, but in Spanish. His older brother Yasiel is a ineman for the county, and his teenaged sister Yasmina an assistant produce manager at Tegulcigulpa’s first Whole Foods store. At one point the siblings are thought to have conspired to open their own high-minded grocery retail chain, to be called Partial Foods, and to offer the same largely negligible health benefits at prices lower than Whole’s notoriously exorbitant ones. But most of their investors disappeared after the coup of June 2009, and Jorge decided instead to become a neurosurgeon. He got his certification in June 2015, from the prestigious, if unashamedly parochial, Universidad Católica de Honduras, and soon became one of his country’s most respected physicians, with a patient roster that at one point included both notable athletes and members of Honduras’s royal family.
He has not been able to practice medicine in the United States because he has thus far taken just the first of the three United States Medical Licensing Exams alien doctors must pass. While preparing for the next two, he is thought to have studied swimming pool maintenance because he has from childhood enjoyed the smell of chlorine, and enjoyed the idea of not having to wear a shirt. At least one of Mrs. Trump’s friends believes his musculature to have been the first things she noticed about him. “Donald is 284 pounds of gelatinous white flab, so Jorge’s having the sort of abdominal muscles men’s health magazines have fetishised the past 10 years got her very interested very quickly.”
We pause to consider that Rep. Paul Ryan adheres to a very rigorous exercise regimen, and probably has cute abs of his own, but is of course a loathsome dickhead, and Mrs. Trump apparently wanted a change.
Because the region is less vigilantly patrolled than their own countries, many Colombian and Mexican cocaine smugglers have come to operate on the Honduran coast in recent years, and gang violence and political corruption have become commonplace. Jorge finally fled when the daily murder toll in San Pedro Sula, where he lived and practiced, came to average more than 20.
Jorge’s hobbies include salsa dancing (he won a trophy before immigrating to Miami in February 2016), reading, and performing minor neurosurgical procedures in his Arlington studio apartment for neighbours unable to afford medical insurance. Indeed, another of Melania’s inner circle believes that Jorge’s altruism and compassion may have been an even greater attraction than his smouldering good looks. “Mel has had her fill of disgusting, gelatinously flabby men with ridiculous hair whose only interests in life are becoming richer and being admired for how rich they are.”
It was apparently Jorge’s idea that Mrs. Trump wear a white pantsuit to her husband’s speech. “He regards Mrs. Clinton as the sexiest thing on two legs,” a friend of his tells us on Skype from El Chimo through a translator. “Where other boys had posters of Pamela Anderson or Stomi Daniels on their walls, or famous footballers, Jorge always had Hillary. What lace garter belts and fishnet stockings are to other men, pantsuits are to him.”
Sarah Fuckabee (oops) Sanders urged Mrs. Trump and Jorge to stay only at the SOTU after-party, for fear the president, who hadn’t yet arrived, might order his Secret Service detail to assassinate Mr. Mejia, the couple apparently went skinny-dipping in the pool of Mrs. Trump’s communications director, Stephanie Grisham, in spite of its being only 34 degrees out at the time.
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