Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Mental Hospital for the Deceased

This past weekend, Gov. Palin appeared at the Costco in South Anchorage, Alaska, to sign copies of her bestseller America by Heart: Ideals My Ghostwriters Cherish. Costco’s management had wristbands to hand out to ensure that at least the first 500 in line would be able to be able to see Sarah in person. That only 67 people actually showed up suggests that most of the local populace imagined they’d never even find a place to park, let alone get anywhere near the presumptive candidate. Of those 67, two — a blogger who’s been writing critically about Sarah, and a woman wearing a Worst Governor Ever T-shirt — were escorted out of the store. Naturally, the lamestream media and the liberals and so-called progressives (hereinafter, the LSCPs) were beside themselves.

Here we go again. You will find no more avid believers in the First Amendment, the one having to do with freedom of expression, than common sense conservatives; no way! But just as you don’t get to stand up in the middle of Walmart on the morning of Black Friday bellowing, “Fire!” you don’t get to say or write things that are grossly offensive to average, hard-working, God-fearing Americans, which is exactly what the evicted blogger, who ought to see how he likes it in Russia or North Korea, is in the business of doing. I mean, technically, you can, but if you do, it shouldn’t surprise you that two big security guards frog-march you out to the parking lot and dribble your head off the pavement until blood comes out of your ears, or even anus, not to get too graphic, but nothing makes me more furious than the abuse of freedom of speech.

As for the woman in the supposedly offensive T-shirt, that was no woman at all, but the late Wally Hickel, who, following the first of his two terms as Alaska’s governor, went on serve with distinction as Richard Nixon’s Secretary of the Interior. Having declared posthumously that he spent his life on earth trapped in the wrong body, he now dresses as a woman, and is earning money for the first recorded posthumous gender reassignment surgery by singing John Denver and James Taylor favorites in Anchorage mall parking lots; the locals pay him to stop singing. Many Alaskans disagree with his self-assessment as the state’s worst governor, pointing to the undistinguished records of Tony Knowles, Steve Cowper, and Frank Murkowski, but self-loathing, which his campaign managers “spun” as humility, was a key hallmark of his political persona.

The main thing is that, far from having him thrown out of her book-signing, Sarah was having him guided gently back into the parking lot, where the shuttle bus from the mental hospital for the deceased of which he is now resident was waiting for him. I think we can agree, common sense conservative and LSCP alike, that it’s a pretty dismal state of affairs when a political leader gets vilified even for acts of charity.

Speaking of female impersonators, it’s hardly as though Sarah lacks a uniquely clear-eyed view of modern feminism. In one of my own favorite sections of America by Heart, she exposes it as a ploy to make women dependent on Big Government for protection from date rapists, more conventional rapists, and abusive husbands and domestic partners. Pointing out that she herself has watched several Super Bowls with husband Todd and other genetic males, and never once been walloped, clobbered, or even slapped, she denounces as false a 1993 report that found that Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for violence against women. Common sense tells her — and us! — that if it didn’t happen to her, it didn’t happen to others either, and maybe it’s time that the feminist wives and girlfriends and what have you of LSCPs and reporters for the lamestream media think about shutting up and fetching their menfolk more Tostitos and Bud Lites, much as that rhymes-with-which Michelle Obama might want to keep to herself her stupid socialist opinions about what we should and should not be feeding our young people, who of course represent our country’s future.

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