Friday, December 3, 2010

Sara(h) Smiles, Part 20: Savin' the American Economy

One of the most exciting things about going from door to door on behalf of the Committee to Elect Sarah in 2012 is hearing all the marvelous ideas my neighbors have for takin’ our country back, for regaining the precious liberties of which our foreign-born, crypto-Muslim socialist president has so gleefully stripped us. Yesterday, for instance, I spoke to a widower, Rex S—, who has lived on Cedar Street since 1968, and was a firefighter down in New York City from 1973 until he retired in 2005 because he’d had it “up to here” with women and non-whites, many of them with names he couldn’t pronounce, being shoehorned into vacancies in the Department. His only regret is that, by the time the propagandists decided to portray the NYFD as the heroes of 9/11, he’d long since stopped going to the gym, and wasn’t depicted in any of the over-100 2003 and 2004 calendars for which his younger buddies were invited (and paid handsomely!) to pose, their gorgeous pectoral and abdominal muscles glistening with their heroic sweat, their melon-sized biceps stretching taut the damp fabric of their form-fitting uniforms, their…


In any event, given his wonderful ideas, you’d have imagined that Rex had been an economist and not a firefighter. Having heard over and over again first how America doesn’t manufacture anything anymore, and how we’re getting ever deeper into debt to the Chinese, and how there are countless hundreds of thousands of illegal alien children hiding around the country, and how indigenous inner city children routinely drop out the second they’re eligible to do so rather than brave graffiti-covered high schools controlled by gangs who will kill them for their lunch money, Rex came up with an idea that I can’t imagine any common-sense conservative pooh-poohing.

Step 1: Repeal antiquated child labor laws originally conceived to protect the children of white European immigrants at the turn of the last century. Is anybody — and let’s be candid with each other here — all that worried about the children of dark-skinned Spanish speakers? Step 2: Do away with the minimum wage. How dare Big Government tell the American businessman what he or she can or cannot pay his employees! You want jobs created and unemployment greatly reduced, or don't you? Step 3: Hire, at the same hourly rate Chinese factory workers get, or maybe a few cents more if you can spare it, the thousands of alien kids and inner city school dropouts who’d otherwise just be selling crack and getting each other pregnant.

Problem solved! And in the same fell swoop, we also begin redressing the imbalance of trade between ourselves and China. And it gets even better! Imagine the boost to the American morale when we walk through Target or Walmart and see the words Made in USA on shower curtains and cutlery, flashlights and flatware, woks and inflatable wading pools, this, this, and the other!

I fully expect the so-called progressives to get apoplectic, to ask how we’ll be able to think of ourselves as civilized when we’re working “our” young people to death. Well, where were they when we were dropping to 25th in the world — only marginally ahead of Croatia and the Faroe Islands, and behind Cuba, Taiwan, and the Isle of Man — in infant mortality? If they were going to get apoplectic about the plight of the kiddies, why have the so-called progressives had so little to say about those for whom no first birthday party ever need be thrown?

Of course, we common-sense conservatives think of first birthday parties as wasteful and frivolous anyway. When was the last time anybody heard a child on the day of his or her graduation from college say, “You know, Mother and Pop, I have such very fond memories of that first birthday party you threw for me”? The fact is that one-year-olds as a general rule don’t even realize they’re being feted. It’s all for the parents, who in many cases take off from work the Friday before the weekend of the party to buy decorations and cheap gift-bag crapola and a cake and what-not. In so doing, they take a bite out of the gross national product, and play right into the hands of those who would love nothing more than to see America on its knees.

Under Sarah Palin, America will bow no more!

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