Monday, December 6, 2010

Sara(h) Smiles, Part 21: Diplomacy, Sarah-Style

I was surprised to discover yesterday that Sunday mornings are the best time of the week to ask people to contribute to the Committee to Elect Sarah in 2012. The trick is to emphasize that she’s by far the most overtly Christ-loving of the prospective Republican candidates, unless you count Mike Huckabee, who hasn’t a tenth of Sarah’s charisma, his cute name notwithstanding. At the mention of Jesus, most folks look pretty sheepish about being at home instead of in church, and hurry to get their wallets or checkbooks or debit cards, though we don’t support the latter, to use the colorful patois of the computer salesperson.

When couple of those on whom I called yesterday asked why I wasn’t myself worshiping, I explained that I’d used a video conferencing program on my own computer, speaking of computers, to attend daybreak services. Once past why we weren’t at church, most people wanted to talk either about whether the Obamarxists are going to be able to repeal George W. Bush’s tax breaks for the rich, and about how much they’ve been enjoying Sarah Palin’s Iowa — and how much they were looking forward to last night’s episode.

Common sense conservatives agree that a society that doesn’t shower its wealthy with special perks and privileges isn’t a society worth living in. Though everyone I spoke to yesterday seemed to be of relatively modest means — not a single Lexus or Escalade was parked in any of their driveways, which were full instead of American-made SUVs with NObama bumperstickers — they all agreed it would be a tragedy for the country if the tax cuts were revoked. One gentleman summed up the feeling of all when he wondered aloud, tremulously, what sort of message that would send our young people. I observed that giving the young nothing to aspire to is a hallmark of socialist societies, and we sobbed for our country in each other’s arms.

Sarah’s TV show has become must Sunday evening viewing for nearly everyone. Several people said they’d been enjoying Boardwalk Empire, in spite of star Steve Buscemi’s remarkably hideous teeth, until Sarah’s show debuted, but that they switched allegiances immediately.

After last night’s show, I can’t imagine anyone regretting having decided to catch up on Boardwalk when it comes out on DVD, as Sarah had enough surprises up her sleeve for a person with arms as long as the Miami Heat’s Udonis Haslam. During Sarah’s duet with Lady Gaga on his old antiwar chestnut "Where Have All the Flowers Gone," for instance, Pete Seeger slipped quietly on stage in a suit made of halibut — a wry homage to the raw meat dress Gaga wore a few months ago to MTV’s Video Music Awards. When a stagehand handed him his banjo and he discovered it was considerably out of tune, he quipped, “Something’s a little fishy here,” and the studio audience groaned delightedly while both Gaga and Sarah rolled their eyes adorably. It’s wonderful to see Pete, who’s always seemed good-hearted and noble, but relentlessly earnest, finally allowing himself a bit of puckishness at 114.

The chat portion of the program, in which Sarah and Todd welcomed Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Reese Witherspoon, was equally pleasurable — and enlightening. Who’d have guessed that the Iranian bogeyman would be so interested in Reese’s new star on Hollywood Boulevard, or that he and Todd — new best friends forever! — would make plans to go hunting together next spring with their sons Traction and Mohammed? I thought it especially gracious of Sarah to promise that, if she gets elected in 2012 to a certain unnamed office (she’s even more adorable than usual when coy!), she’ll see what she can do about getting Mahmoud his own star.

Common-sense conservative diplomacy in action!

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