Sara(h) Smiles, Part 31: Dirty Laundry of Our Future First Family

Regular readers of this journal know only too well how petulant I can be. After over 300 entries, I’d have imagined myself to have 1900 followers, and not 19, and for agents to be ringing me day and night to offer me insanely lucrative book, TV, or even movie deals, or to book me onto Bill Maher or even Dancing With the Stars. Even the sunniest-dispositioned among us needs to have the world tell them they’re a bit of all right every now and again, and if it weren’t for the miracle of citalopram, I’d no doubt have been gnashing my few remaining teeth and cursing the world’s unfairness, as I have traditionally done — at least until yesterday, when, completely out of the blue, I received the most glorious affirmation I could have hoped for. Mike Nizich, Sarah’s major domo, phoned in the afternoon to say that the candidate has been reading FAITP with growing delight the past several weeks, and has agreed it would be the perfect place to dispel various tawdry tabloid rumors about her family.

Sarah and The First Dude, as she has so adorably referred to husband Todd, have indeed had their little flings, as what attractive couple would not after 22 years of marriage? She began seeing the musician John Mayer in 2008, several weeks before John McCain invited her to be his running mate, and the two remained an “item” until Christmas of that year, when the singer, or his personal assistant, foolishly left in the Victoria’s Secret box in which he presented Sarah’s gift — a transparent, marabou-trimmed fuchsia peignoir — the receipt revealing that he’d bought three such peignoirs. When Sarah demanded to know who’d received the other two, the singer declined to respond, whereupon Sarah declared him persona not grata not only in Alaska, but in her heart, and heart of hearts.

During her tour on behalf of her first book, Goin’ Rogue, last year, she saw a lot of another singer, Lenny Kravitz, with whom she would rendezvous in the vice presidential suites of various Marriott Courtyard hotels around the country as the very in-demand singer’s performance schedule permitted. She also saw the golfer Tiger Wood on at least two occasions, this months before his famous Thanksgiving night contretemps with his wife Elin. Apparently Sarah was unaware of the athlete’s being married. On finding out, she sent him this text message: “They say I’m stupid? Homegirl can't even spell Ellen! LMAO.” She was apparently unaware at the time that Mrs. Wood was some weird sort of Scandinavian. According to Nizich, the Palin home is devoid of Ikea furniture.

While Sarah was seeing Mayer, Kravitz, and Woods, Todd, meanwhile, was dating Bryt’tawnee R—, a cocktail waitress at the Wasilla Ramada Inn, and later Jennifer Aniston, the television and movie actress. Just for the heck of it, and because the Palins don’t believe in condemning anything they haven’t tried themselves, Todd had (protected!) sex with a fellow moose hunter and member of the Alaskan Independence Party on several occasions in the summers of 2007 and 2008, respectively, and was relieved to find it disgusting and abominable, exactly as the Bible had said.

During his tour of duty in Iraq, the Palins' elder son Traction became obsessed with shemales after buddies in his platoon gave him the links to a couple of hermaphrodite Websites. His post-discharge (from the army!) affair with Shavonna Starr, Wasilla’s best-loved female impersonator (see her lip-syching Shania Twain’s "I Feel Like a Woman" here) was the worst-kept secret in the Matanuska-Susitna Borough through the first half of 2010. But, as viewers of Sarah Palin’s Iowa know, Mom and Dad convinced him that he and Shavonna weren’t good for each other, since which Trac has been dating the mother of Levi Johnston, father of Bristol’s son Tripp. It's all slightly incestuous, but that's Alaska for you!

Anything else you might read on the cover of a supermarket tabloid, the campaign wants you to know, is sheer fantasy.