Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Selfish Bitch

We hope you’re very pleased with yourself, getting our star player up to his bottom lip in hot water. Never mind that because of your selfishness, countless hundreds of thousands of our fans are going to suffer horribly this season, and a great many of them will lose their livelihoods. But you did what you thought was right, and that’s all anyone can ask for.

So our star player came into the restaurant where you’re a waitress back in January, and he made a few unwelcome remarks about your breasts. Is he really the first guy who’s ever said those things to you? And then, when you were leaning over to serve the nachos, he grabbed a handful of them and squeezed. I suppose that had never happened to you either, right? That’s what we’re supposed to believe?

Have you ever heard the expression It comes with the territory? Has it ever occurred to you that if you’re going to be a waitress in that kind of place, wearing those skimpy outfits, those form-fitting tanktops and shorts, you’re probably going to get your hooters squeezed every now and again? Is it really the end of the world?
Talk about the territory! Do you have any idea how much stress our players are under? Humungous, sweetheart — humongous. Stadiumsful of people shouting at them every weekend! And don’t think the ones shouting encouragement are so much better than those shouting abuse. They’ll turn on you in a heartbeat. Fumble the ball, throw an interception, fail to get a first down, you’re Osama bin Laden and that North Korean guy and half a dozen of the other worst villains you can think of rolled into one. They drive up into your gated community and empty bags of dog shit on your lawn. They call into radio shows and call you a faggot.

OK, so there was more than just a little squeezing. After he’d had one too many, he pulled you into the little boys’ room and tried to push you down onto your knees with one hand while taking his dangler out with the other. Like this same thing doesn’t happen 10 million times in America every hour of every day! This just in, missy: boys will be boys! Like there aren’t hundreds of girls much better looking than you, sweetheart, and bigger-chested even, who wouldn’t have given anything to have been in your position! All the girls in town, and he choosses you! You should have felt honored!

But you just had to make a stink, didn’t you? And the league office had to do the politically correct thing and suspend {star player] for the first third of the season, though I know for a fact they hated to. And all the hard-working little people who live and die with the team…what are we supposed to tell them when we lose our first five games, as we almost certainly will? But their pain probably never even occurred to you, did it?

And neither, did I suspect, that a lot of people are going to lose their homes or be unable to send their kids to college now because you can’t take a joke. Attendance is sure to suffer, which means that a lot of vendors and what-not are going to have to be let go. We’ve already seen a 35 percent drop in sales of [star player’s] replica jerseys. We’re going to need fewer security guys. I wonder what they’ll tell their children at Christmastime when they haven’t been able to afford presents. But hey, that isn’t your problem.

Let me go way out on a limb here and speculate that you’d prefer if all your customers were gay. They’d be grabbing each other then, and not you, and then probably demanding the right to marry each other. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Or maybe not, because then you wouldn’t be able to make yourself powerful by getting our star player suspended, and I know how special that must make you feel.

Bitch. Selfish bitch.

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