Two Groups Funded by the Devil

I woke up this morning thinking of one of my favorite Ray Davies lines. “If life is for living, what’s living for?” But moments after I’d stumbled morosely downstairs to the basement and turned on my beloved iMac, I was hugely heartened by the news, as reported by Yahoo!, that two groups I’d never dared dream would find common ground have joined hands on behalf of what I believe to be a worthy cause.

According to Yahoo!, a spokesperson for Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf has announced that Park51, also known as Cordoba House and the Ground Zero Mosque, have agreed to allow the Tri-State area’s Gay, Lesbian, and Transgendered Coalition for Tolerance to stage a benefit on behalf of greater understanding between Muslims and infidels. A GLTCT spokesman promises that Elton John, Scissor Sisters, Melissa Etheridge, Rufus Wainwright, Rob Halford (once of Judas Priest), Ted Nugent, and the late Freddy Mercury are all likely to perform at a gala festival in Central Park in October that could raise up to $3 million for the cause.

This will surely shock those aware of the views of homosexuality expressed in the Hadith, a collection of sayings attributed to Muhammad, the spiciest of which may be "When a man mounts another man, the throne of God shakes."

“Hey,” the Park51 spokesperson explains, “it’s 2010, high time that we as Muslims re-evaluated our harsh assessments of a lot of things.”

Dr. Terry and Sylvia Jones of The Dove World Outreach Center — which recently protested the homosexuality of Gainesville’s mayor and the inescapability of the woefully mediocre music of Gainesville native Tom Petty — expressed disgust when informed of the gay and Muslim collaboration. “Wow, big surprise,” Dr. Terry Jones told Yahoo!, snarkily, “two groups funded by The Devil joining forces. Who’d have guessed?” To commemorate the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and other Christian symbols, Dove has been planning a huge Koran-burning festival, which the commander of American forces in Afghanistan believes will make the Taliban and others more intent than ever on butchering them.

Onward, Christian soldiers!